Contact information and heartfelt thanks

  I just wanted to write a quick post with my contact information for those who read but are uncomfortable leaving a comment. If there is anything you want me to know, an opinion you want to share, a question you want to ask, some encouragement you want to pass on, please email me at elviraedwards4@gmail.com.

  I also wanted to send you all a heartfelt THANK YOU for all of your encouraging words. I can't express to you how much it means to me to read your comments and feel the acceptance and love you are sending. I admit that I check in multiple times a day and re-read the wonderful comments and they make me smile every damn time.


Last but certainly not least, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope that you all had a wonderful night full of candy, because lets face it, that is the best part of Halloween. (Well candy and wine.) (Ohhh candy and wine and cheesy 70's/80's horror movies.)

Defenitions and the fears of a cross-dresser's spouse

**I feel like this second post should give the definitions of the terms I frequently use and should start to discuss my fears that center around being the spouse of a cross-dresser.**

  Many people do not know the difference between someone who cross-dresses, someone who is transsexual, and someone who has a gender identity disorder. I think it may be best at this point to list these definitions. (These definitions can be found on the Human Rights Campaign website, http://www.hrc.org.)

Cross-dresser "A cross-dresser wears the clothing and/or accouterments, such as makeup and accessories, that are considered by society to correspond to the "opposite sex." Unlike transsexuals, cross-dressers typically do not seek to change their physical characteristics and/or manner of expression permanently or desire to live full-time as the opposite gender. (Cross-dressers are sometimes called "transvestites," but that term is considered pejorative.)"

Transsexual "A transsexual person has changed, or is in the process of changing, his or her physical and/or legal sex to conform to his or her internal sense of gender identity. The term can also be used to describe people who, without undergoing medical treatment, identify and live their lives full-time as a member of the gender opposite their birth sex. Transsexuals transitioning from male to female are often referred to as "MTFs." Similarly, female-to-male transsexuals are frequently called "FTMs."

Gender identity disorder / Gender dysphoria "GID is a psychological diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. This disorder is marked by severe distress and discomfort caused by the conflict between one's gender identity and one's designated sex at birth. Not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria or are diagnosed with GID."

Transgender "A broad range of people who experience and/or express their gender differently from what most people expect — either in terms of expressing a gender that does not match the sex listed on their original birth certificate (i.e., designated sex at birth), or physically changing their sex. It is an umbrella term that includes people who are transsexual, cross-dressers or otherwise gender non-conforming. Not all people who consider themselves (or who may be considered by others as) transgender will undergo a gender transition."

  Due to the fact that many people may not know the above definitions they do not understand that someone who cross-dresses is not necessarily a transsexual or affected with GID. While our society has grown in its understanding of the definition of being a gay individual it still seems to look upon anyone who is transgendered with fear and disgust. Many men who cross dress still hide who they are and what they do for fear of being harassed, abused, and in some cases, losing their jobs.

**(I know that we as a society still have a very long way to go in acceptance of gay individuals and their rights. I am referring in this post to the changes that have occurred since 1973 when homosexuality was removed from the list of mental disorders by the American Psychiatric Association. At this time the medical community was not allowed to treat homosexuality as a disease and this lead to changes in the social definition as well.)**

  As the spouse of a cross-dresser I have many fears for Elvis, for our girls, and for myself. Our family's happiness and safety is of course our greatest priority and many of my fears are linked directly to those two things. Here is a list of what my fears are, in no particular order, as they relate to Elvis's cross-dressing.

-Being shunned by friends
-Elvis being mocked by friends and/or co-workers
-Loss of Elvis's job (cross-dressing is still a cause for discharge from the military)
-Enid and Estrid being teased by classmates/friends
-Elvis deciding that he wants to live as Elvira
-Elvis no longer being physically attracted to me
-Elvis ending our marriage because I am not understanding enough
-Elvis ending out marriage because I am not supportive enough
-Elvis ending our marriage because I am not able to talk with him about Evita
-Enid and Estrid not accepting this part of their father
-Losing my sexual attraction towards Elvis
-That expressing my feelings will hurt Elvis
-That I will never be accepting enough
-That I will push Elvis away because I cannot deal with my feelings on this issue
-That I will resent Evita and in turn Elvis because she is a part of him

  I think that is all for tonight blogosphere, my heart and head are hurting after writing this post. Time for a glass of wine and some silly sitcoms. :)

Our lives to this point

**It is my goal in this blog to be honest about my thoughts, feelings, words, and actions as the spouse of a cross-dresser. They will not always be politically correct or even nice but they are honest. I will be the first to admit that I may have caused some damage to my marriage in the way that I have approached his cross-dressing but through this blog I am hoping he and I can start an honest dialog thereby making our marriage stronger. Everyone knows that when they put their words out there they will be judged and I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am more than happy to read your input on my blog, I hope to learn from you as you learn from me. I ask that you be polite and considerate when expressing yourselves. This blog is about two people who love each other, love their children, and are trying to make a life where everyone is happy and fulfilled.**

 

Our lives to this point

 

  I know I was lucky in the fact that Elvis was honest with me from the start of our relationship about his cross-dressing. For many years it was simply women’s panties under his clothes, dressing at home, and I didn’t notice it affecting our lives one way or another.  We graduated, Elvis joined the military, we moved, we married, and then Elvis started to fully dress and talk about us going out together with him as “Evita.” I balked, it felt to me that I was losing my strong masculine husband to this “other woman.” I tried to give as much as I could to that area of our relationship but preferred to ignore it, to just pretend it wasn’t happening.


  Then came another move and our first daughter, Enid. I used her as an excuse to completely ignore the issue of cross-dressing in our marriage. I felt that Evita could have her time because I had my baby girl and she was all that mattered.

 

  Again we moved and Elvis found a group of men who attended meetings for cross-dressers and then went out for dinner or dancing afterwards. Evita came out fully into our lives at this time, I suppose she was always there but I had succeeded in ignoring her for so long it was a shock to me and to our marriage. As Evita started to come more every month I found myself drawing away from Elvis and our marriage. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to approach the situation and I was so angry at myself for the feelings I was having towards him. My greatest fear is that I will hurt Elvis by something I say, by a look I give, by not accepting all of who he is. I truly feel that if I were to hurt him in that way I may break apart at the seams. (Dramatic sounding I know but I am a very emotional person and this is the feeling I have.)

 

  During this trying time for our marriage I became pregnant with our second daughter, Estrid. Again, I chose the easy way out and threw myself into our two daughters while moving Elvis into a corner of my life. As I devoted myself to being a mother Elvis began exploring the world as Evita even more. I was angry, so very angry at him for being so selfish and not taking into account how his choices with his cross-dressing were affecting my feelings. I started to build up a lot of resentment and anger towards him, it kept growing on itself and I started pushing him away not only emotionally but physically. Oh I kidded myself that the physical wall was because I had just had another baby for god’s sake and I didn’t feel sexual at all but deep inside I knew the real reason was the cross-dressing.

 

  I came to the point where I wanted him to travel for work more then to be at home, but then I would be angry at being trapped at home with a four year old and an infant. When Elvis travels Evita goes out more nights then are possible at home. Poor Elvis couldn’t do anything right, I was constantly either snapping at him or ignoring him. I asked Elvis to reach out to his cross-dressing friends and see if he could find a counselor for us to see, I love him and I knew I would lose him if life continued on this way.

This is where we are today, fourteen years together, the lucky parents of two smart and beautiful girls, Elvis has a career in the military where he excels, I currently stay home where I try to keep the children and the pets alive, and our future is a work in progress.