My MIL has her nose so far in our buisness

I love the fact that my MIL is so supportive of Elvis as Evita but I would love it if she would just back off a little bit. We get a package or two every month from her with clothes, jewelry, and/or accessories that she thinks he may use when he dresses. I know she is supporting her son and that is amazing of her, many other men could not expect even a fraction of the acceptance that Elvis receives from her. I should just thank my lucky stars and feel like I have a friend in all this but I don't. I almost feel like it is an intrusion on our lives, probably because it brings the cross-dressing front and center when some days I would love to just pretend it isn't there. It is also possible that I feel like she is enabling him and while I am trying to reign in this aspect of our lives she is making it possible for him to dive in. Does that make any sense? Armchair psychologist here!! I feel like such a whiny bitch in this post but I promised myself I would put it all out there.

I took some time off but I am back and ready to dish

Hello everyone, I had to take a little time off from the blog. I have a new found respect for people who make this their life's work, it is hard to put yourself and your life out there on a regular basis. While the majority of feedback I have received has been positive and supportive there are always those couple in the bunch that have to attack or just be downright cruel because they can. I thought I was prepared for that possibility but it turns out I was not and needed to do a little soul searching.

I also realized I was putting way to much pressure on myself to craft the perfect posts, to not offend anyone, to not hurt Elvis with my thoughts, to be liked by everyone who may choose to read these words. One thing about me is that I dread ever hurting someone's feelings, the thought that I may hurt a cross-dresser or their spouse by writing something insensitive was a grave concern as was of course the possibility I could hurt Elvis.

That being said I miss the support I was receiving from you all and the messages you sent for me were read or passed on to me so thank you for sticking with me while I took this reevaluation time.

Cross-dressing is Taking Over Our Lives

  Wow blogosphere the last eight days have been a horrible storm of anxiety, fear, depression, and tears. Things were so bad that I ended up on the floor of my bathroom, in the dark, with the door locked, sobbing, and unable to even sit up. I was possibly the worst anxiety attack I have had since I was pregnant with Estrid. Lets rewind to the beginning of the month so I can catch you up.

  The first couple days of the month Elvis's mother (hereafter referred to as MIL) was here to visit with us and the girls. For years we have wondered if MIL knows about the cross-dressing, she seems to drop little hints in conversations and wait to see what we do. Elvis has been debating telling her about Evita for awhile now and seeing what she has to say. Part of me likes the fact that we are both confident she will be accepting and loving about that entire area of our lives but of course the other part of me wants to keep this as quiet as possible. Elvis decided that this was the trip, he was going to take her out to dinner and lay it all out on the table. MIL took it in stride, stressed that she loves Elvis no matter what, and professed to have no idea about the cross-dressing. Well Elvis felt joy and relief upon sharing this burden with his mother I was feeling very uneasy about what she was thinking, feeling, and who she would tell.

  The day after "the confession" I took MIL to the airport and told her that acceptance comes in waves, one day the acceptance is there and the next you are angry that Elvis is not "normal." (Normal a la Beaver Cleaver of course) She told me that she did have some idea as Elvis was growing up but pushed it way back into her subconscious. She also confided in me that she feels Elvis is "taking chances" with his cross-dressing, that he is going out too much and could be recognized. When I told her I had the same fear she then turned on me and said that Elvis will always take care of his family and I needed to have faith in him. WTF?

  A few days after that Elvis and I had a rare date night, we are trying very hard to make couple time happen at least twice a month. The girls went to a drop in care center and we went out for dinner somewhere that didn't have place mats one can color. As we are a few miles from the restaurant Elvis tells me that while working on updating his security clearance at work a security officer pulled him in for an interview. Sounds pretty normal right? Then the officer starts hinting around that they have the ability to search and find things on-line that maybe the everyday person can't find. Okay.... They can see a lot of things on-line that maybe you don't think they can see. Okay... They have also checked his phone in the past. Again okay..... Maybe there is something that someone can blackmail him with to his wife. No, I cannot be blackmailed to my wife. People can also try and blackmail you with something to your parents too. Something that they maybe can see on-line that you don't want work to know. No, I cannot be blackmailed to my parents. As long as you are sure you can't be blackmailed for anything you do in your private life. No, I cannot be blackmailed. I immediately started hyperventilating and the fear set in. I worked really hard to bring myself past it so that we could have our rare date night but under all the fear I was so mad that Elvis would hit me with this at this time. Timing is everything for fucks sake and that was some shitty timing.

  The following day was a workday and for the first time in two days I didn't get any kind of call or note from Elvis letting me know when he was planning on being home. On any given day that is not abnormal but after the conversation he night before I FREAKED THE F OUT. I was just sure that he had been pulled aside, confronted, and was getting fired or sent to a Siberian prison or something. The two previous days he had picked up Enid from school and was home by 330, 330 passes, 430 passes, 530 passes. I was so anxious and it was getting worse and worse with each passing hour. By the time I heard the garage door open at 6 I went running out demanding to know where he had been. (Not one of my finer moments but it seems my last few brain cells were fighting amongst themselves and I couldn't think.) Elvis said he was at work, blah, blah, blah, spazzy wife shrieks, wife crying, wife hyperventilating, wife on bathroom floor in the dark. Sometimes I think Elvis may be put up for sainthood after his death, probably caused by exasperation over his crazy wife.

  The day after this my eyes are still so swollen they don't look open but life goes on right? I get a phone call that a family member on my side had been evicted from their home of thirty something years, hadn't been paying bills, etc. I try and help which of course blows up in my face, fights amongst family members ensue, I end up deciding they all can suck it because I have my own problems.

  Oh my sweet baby Jesus, give me a break please!

Contact information and heartfelt thanks

  I just wanted to write a quick post with my contact information for those who read but are uncomfortable leaving a comment. If there is anything you want me to know, an opinion you want to share, a question you want to ask, some encouragement you want to pass on, please email me at elviraedwards4@gmail.com.

  I also wanted to send you all a heartfelt THANK YOU for all of your encouraging words. I can't express to you how much it means to me to read your comments and feel the acceptance and love you are sending. I admit that I check in multiple times a day and re-read the wonderful comments and they make me smile every damn time.


Last but certainly not least, Happy Halloween everyone! I hope that you all had a wonderful night full of candy, because lets face it, that is the best part of Halloween. (Well candy and wine.) (Ohhh candy and wine and cheesy 70's/80's horror movies.)

Defenitions and the fears of a cross-dresser's spouse

**I feel like this second post should give the definitions of the terms I frequently use and should start to discuss my fears that center around being the spouse of a cross-dresser.**

  Many people do not know the difference between someone who cross-dresses, someone who is transsexual, and someone who has a gender identity disorder. I think it may be best at this point to list these definitions. (These definitions can be found on the Human Rights Campaign website, http://www.hrc.org.)

Cross-dresser "A cross-dresser wears the clothing and/or accouterments, such as makeup and accessories, that are considered by society to correspond to the "opposite sex." Unlike transsexuals, cross-dressers typically do not seek to change their physical characteristics and/or manner of expression permanently or desire to live full-time as the opposite gender. (Cross-dressers are sometimes called "transvestites," but that term is considered pejorative.)"

Transsexual "A transsexual person has changed, or is in the process of changing, his or her physical and/or legal sex to conform to his or her internal sense of gender identity. The term can also be used to describe people who, without undergoing medical treatment, identify and live their lives full-time as a member of the gender opposite their birth sex. Transsexuals transitioning from male to female are often referred to as "MTFs." Similarly, female-to-male transsexuals are frequently called "FTMs."

Gender identity disorder / Gender dysphoria "GID is a psychological diagnosis recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. This disorder is marked by severe distress and discomfort caused by the conflict between one's gender identity and one's designated sex at birth. Not all transgender people experience gender dysphoria or are diagnosed with GID."

Transgender "A broad range of people who experience and/or express their gender differently from what most people expect — either in terms of expressing a gender that does not match the sex listed on their original birth certificate (i.e., designated sex at birth), or physically changing their sex. It is an umbrella term that includes people who are transsexual, cross-dressers or otherwise gender non-conforming. Not all people who consider themselves (or who may be considered by others as) transgender will undergo a gender transition."

  Due to the fact that many people may not know the above definitions they do not understand that someone who cross-dresses is not necessarily a transsexual or affected with GID. While our society has grown in its understanding of the definition of being a gay individual it still seems to look upon anyone who is transgendered with fear and disgust. Many men who cross dress still hide who they are and what they do for fear of being harassed, abused, and in some cases, losing their jobs.

**(I know that we as a society still have a very long way to go in acceptance of gay individuals and their rights. I am referring in this post to the changes that have occurred since 1973 when homosexuality was removed from the list of mental disorders by the American Psychiatric Association. At this time the medical community was not allowed to treat homosexuality as a disease and this lead to changes in the social definition as well.)**

  As the spouse of a cross-dresser I have many fears for Elvis, for our girls, and for myself. Our family's happiness and safety is of course our greatest priority and many of my fears are linked directly to those two things. Here is a list of what my fears are, in no particular order, as they relate to Elvis's cross-dressing.

-Being shunned by friends
-Elvis being mocked by friends and/or co-workers
-Loss of Elvis's job (cross-dressing is still a cause for discharge from the military)
-Enid and Estrid being teased by classmates/friends
-Elvis deciding that he wants to live as Elvira
-Elvis no longer being physically attracted to me
-Elvis ending our marriage because I am not understanding enough
-Elvis ending out marriage because I am not supportive enough
-Elvis ending our marriage because I am not able to talk with him about Evita
-Enid and Estrid not accepting this part of their father
-Losing my sexual attraction towards Elvis
-That expressing my feelings will hurt Elvis
-That I will never be accepting enough
-That I will push Elvis away because I cannot deal with my feelings on this issue
-That I will resent Evita and in turn Elvis because she is a part of him

  I think that is all for tonight blogosphere, my heart and head are hurting after writing this post. Time for a glass of wine and some silly sitcoms. :)

Our lives to this point

**It is my goal in this blog to be honest about my thoughts, feelings, words, and actions as the spouse of a cross-dresser. They will not always be politically correct or even nice but they are honest. I will be the first to admit that I may have caused some damage to my marriage in the way that I have approached his cross-dressing but through this blog I am hoping he and I can start an honest dialog thereby making our marriage stronger. Everyone knows that when they put their words out there they will be judged and I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I am more than happy to read your input on my blog, I hope to learn from you as you learn from me. I ask that you be polite and considerate when expressing yourselves. This blog is about two people who love each other, love their children, and are trying to make a life where everyone is happy and fulfilled.**

 

Our lives to this point

 

  I know I was lucky in the fact that Elvis was honest with me from the start of our relationship about his cross-dressing. For many years it was simply women’s panties under his clothes, dressing at home, and I didn’t notice it affecting our lives one way or another.  We graduated, Elvis joined the military, we moved, we married, and then Elvis started to fully dress and talk about us going out together with him as “Evita.” I balked, it felt to me that I was losing my strong masculine husband to this “other woman.” I tried to give as much as I could to that area of our relationship but preferred to ignore it, to just pretend it wasn’t happening.


  Then came another move and our first daughter, Enid. I used her as an excuse to completely ignore the issue of cross-dressing in our marriage. I felt that Evita could have her time because I had my baby girl and she was all that mattered.

 

  Again we moved and Elvis found a group of men who attended meetings for cross-dressers and then went out for dinner or dancing afterwards. Evita came out fully into our lives at this time, I suppose she was always there but I had succeeded in ignoring her for so long it was a shock to me and to our marriage. As Evita started to come more every month I found myself drawing away from Elvis and our marriage. I wasn’t sure how I wanted to approach the situation and I was so angry at myself for the feelings I was having towards him. My greatest fear is that I will hurt Elvis by something I say, by a look I give, by not accepting all of who he is. I truly feel that if I were to hurt him in that way I may break apart at the seams. (Dramatic sounding I know but I am a very emotional person and this is the feeling I have.)

 

  During this trying time for our marriage I became pregnant with our second daughter, Estrid. Again, I chose the easy way out and threw myself into our two daughters while moving Elvis into a corner of my life. As I devoted myself to being a mother Elvis began exploring the world as Evita even more. I was angry, so very angry at him for being so selfish and not taking into account how his choices with his cross-dressing were affecting my feelings. I started to build up a lot of resentment and anger towards him, it kept growing on itself and I started pushing him away not only emotionally but physically. Oh I kidded myself that the physical wall was because I had just had another baby for god’s sake and I didn’t feel sexual at all but deep inside I knew the real reason was the cross-dressing.

 

  I came to the point where I wanted him to travel for work more then to be at home, but then I would be angry at being trapped at home with a four year old and an infant. When Elvis travels Evita goes out more nights then are possible at home. Poor Elvis couldn’t do anything right, I was constantly either snapping at him or ignoring him. I asked Elvis to reach out to his cross-dressing friends and see if he could find a counselor for us to see, I love him and I knew I would lose him if life continued on this way.

This is where we are today, fourteen years together, the lucky parents of two smart and beautiful girls, Elvis has a career in the military where he excels, I currently stay home where I try to keep the children and the pets alive, and our future is a work in progress.